This page is written by a 50 plus female who, until recently, felt her life was a utter waste of time. Due to being strongly affected by something done to her one day, she woke up and began trying to change herself. Changing other people is never an option. It is never too late! The blog is about things that have helped me on my journey. I hope they are of help to you too. Namaste!

Friday, May 9, 2014

Where to begin

Not sure how to start this blog. For the past few years I have been on a journey. I first began to "wake up" when the emotional abuse and controlling turned to physical abuse. A restraining order then turned my life into utter hell. Small town, thousands of miles from family and he knew more people that me. Of course he did. I was so emotionally abused that I thought I was unable to talk to people because I was so stupid. Any time I did begin to start getting close, and perhaps having a new friend, he would get right in there and take over. Then the "new friend" backed away.

We were both in marriage counselling. He thought they would tell me to get my act together, behave like the wife he decided I should be. They didn't do that of course. He then stopped going. I kept attending religiously. The counsellor was the only person I had to talk to. I did feel a tad stronger. But I still kept thinking, "If only I could get him help then things would be ok". I always felt he had some mental issues that needing dealing with and I was certain that would change our lives.  I would then have the great life I deserved. Didn't happen of course.

My counsellor quit her job. I was dumped high and dry and alone. After a few months a new and higher qualified counsellor was hired. After the first session I felt a shift. This woman told me I had been abused as a kid. I thought all the screaming and lack of attention had been something most kids deal with one way or another. I was, 50 plus years old and only now do I find out that I was emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused by my mother. My father worked 7 days a week so he probably thought I was being taking care of. After a few more sessions my counsellor asked if I would consider being a part of a group trauma session they were starting. "I don't have trauma! I replied. "I haven't seen any horrific accidents or been in war". Then she went on to explain that trauma can also arise to due to emotional abuse, unstable environment and much more. I clearly remember never getting loving hugs as a kid. Never did she say "there, there it will be Ok" if I fell and hurt myself or if I had a nightmare. She screamed at me instead. I fell over on the way to Sunday school and badly grazed my leg. Went back home and she went crazy!! I used to wet the bed and she would be so very angry and that clearly made me wet the bed more. She scared me. It was as if I was such a burden and in the way. I also feel she was jealous of me. I was pretty and took the attention away from her. My counsellor has commented that mother was/is most likely narcissistic and then I understood the jealousy.  Mom and Dad argued an awful lot. Argued is putting it mildly. I still wasn't sure about this trauma group though. "What if they have all been through horrific things and I have just had to deal with an abusive mother?" She assured me I would be ok and I trusted her enough to finally agree. Trust is a huge issue with me.

A couple of weeks later I began to group sessions. It was tough to even walk in the room. I am so nervous of meeting new people. Terrified I will say something stupid. I decided to admit this from the get go. We introduced ourselves and I voiced my fear of speaking to people I do not know. And I learnt that other people felt the same. One younger girl was very much like me and I felt and instant bond with her. Each week we worked on different aspects of trauma. Setting healthy boundaries. Realising we do not need to fix other people (which many with trauma tend to do). Instead of fixing ourselves we are always there for others. We covered many topics. I would leave the building exhausted. My body felt heavy and my mind drained. But I also felt something was brewing. By the end of the course there were only 4 of us left. Each of us had one thing in common - our mothers and how they treated us. Could it really be true? All of my messed up relationships stem from being so scared I would be abandoned - as I felt my mother abandoned me. I was clingy. Ever day I would push my partners to prove they loved me. Push so far it destroyed the relationships. I was needy. Why? Because I needed my Mom's love. My last relationship has been with a man who is so like my mom that it scares me now. I got into relationships with people with personalities I was used to. People like my Mom or people who "appeared" to have more issues than myself. They made me feel better about myself. Did they really? No! I also learnt that I cannot change ANYBODY except myself.

Group counselling ended last year. I still attend one on one counselling. A few days before Christmas my "partner" did something that caused another big shift in my mental being. A good shift. Probably the best shift yet. What he did might seem tiny to other people, but, when you stack it up with all the other things, it was big. I did not deserve to be treated that way and neither did our son. That day I truly began my journey to find ME. My mother does NOT define ME.